If Only People Knew!

I’ve missed blogging to you on a regular basis, but I truly did not realize how much time it would take to write an eBook.

My co-author, Chris Heath, and I have received an unexpected amount of support for what I had originally envisioned would be just a small project. The good news is that we’re getting wonderful stories from 3 Principle teachers, around the globe, whose relationships grew in ways they never would have imagined before they learned about the Principles that are at the heart of all human experiences. Hearing or reading about others’ stories is a great way to gain insights that will assist your own relationships.

It occurred to me today, that I can still keep in touch with you this way — and let you know how the book is coming along, without having to wait until I have time to return to regular blog writing. Know that you will receive the eBook, free, for having signed up here,  it’s just going to take longer than I expected, to complete.

These are a few notes that came to me the other day — which may or may not be included in the book, but I thought I’d leave you with now…

At times, a person has said to me —
“Yes, I live in the moment. I believe in that too.” That person might then ask a question such as, “What about when an issue needs to be dealt with and resolved?” To which I might reply: “Interesting, how does that seem like living in the moment to you?”

The truth is — there is nothing to deal with when you’re in the moment — you’re just there taking care of whatever life presents and it always works out better if you can “deal” with whatever is being presented in a clear mind with pure wisdom in that moment.

When it comes to relationships, learning from the past is a misnomer. If we’re “learning from the past” then we may not be as aware of the nuances that are happening in the now, to where we have evolved. We’d just be stuck in our memory and our conditioned thinking missing out on insights, from a deeper wisdom, that will lead to a better experience in the now.

Wisdom, uncontaminated by personal or conditioned thinking, tells us how to take care of things in the moment. Sometimes our wisdom may say it’s best to just stay quiet and listen. Sometimes our wisdom might tell us, h/she needs reassurance or some sort of comfort but may be too upset to accept that right now, in which case you might just say, “I’d very much like to comfort you right now but I’m not sure that’s what you are wanting….” Your compassion will come through and that is very powerful. Your partner may not stop railing, but it will calm things down a notch and you can just hang back and listen quietly, for there’s always something to be learned from what the other is expressing.

I’d love to hear your comments and whether or not this is the sort of thing you’d like to see in our book on relationships.

I’d also love to hear your response to the following working titles, and if you have a favorite or if you come up with something else that would illustrate the same idea, please let me know.

The Simplicity of Creating a Healthy Relationship,
If Only People Knew!

Simple Truths Behind Healthy Relationships

Simple Truths Behind Rewarding Relationships…

Simple Facts That Create Healthy Relationships

And last, but definitely not least — please consider joining us at the annual conference in MN. in September 5-8! www.3principlesconference.eventbrite.com

Thoughts of the mass murder at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut come to mind every time I see a young child. The event happened on a Friday, and I cried every time I saw a child throughout the weekend. I felt sluggish, duped, hopeless, extraordinarily sad, angry, unmotivated, and at times as though I just did not want to do a thing. I could care less. Mail started to pile up, because I was choosing to do what I wanted to do, I did not want to reward a world capable of this by doing anything it seemed to demand of me. A world capable of creating such monstrous events— no thank you!

I realized that my own thoughts were delivering my experience of anger and hopelessness; knowing that helped a great deal.

Photo by Bill Canfield

There has been no natural disaster, no war, no other slaughter that has affected me like this one. Maybe partially because it happened so close to my home, but mostly because I know it had to do with the human thought process so I know it could have been prevented if more people understood how it works.

There is talk of the need for security guards in every school now; for armed principals, for bullet proof glass doors and windows, for lock-downs and closer restrictions on who can purchase guns and of course getting assault weapons out of the hands of ordinary citizens whose minds can crack at any moment. All external fixes for an internal occurrence. No one is talking about the thinking that goes on behind the scenes of any action; good, bad, or horrific. No action can take place without a motivating thought. Whatever thoughts are on a person’s mind creates the state of mind in which they live in. States of mind are created by the quality of thinking within the individual.

I can not fathom the state of mind the shooter would have to be in to bring about such a horrific outcome. It would have been awful enough if he had chosen a nursing home with people at the end of their life, but to target a first grade class; it’s unthinkable. If Alfred Hitchcock or Steven Spielberg had even come up with that idea for a movie, they would have squelched it because it would be too awful for their audiences. Too horrible even for a movie, but yet it can happen in real life.

Of course there is renewed consideration of gun control laws; but even beyond that we must work at getting everyone to know, at an early age, that horrible thoughts will come to their mind from time to time, and they alone will choose whether to act on them or not. Horrible thoughts don’t kill or harm, but actions do. Every person has the ability to choose wisely, but first they have to know it is possible for them to choose wisely.

Anne Curry, of NBC news, used her ability to create something very touching in response to the loss of innocent young lives:

It was through the same ability to think, that Adam Lanza created an atrocity. We have the freewill to choose how we use our ability to think and it’s built into every one of us to choose wisely as long as we know that is the case.

We have the resources and the people, available, to teach others about their thinking  – that they have the power to choose wisely in every moment of life. They have the power to discern. It’s so simple and obvious when you hear it. We have the ability to recognize the feeling that tells us when we are off course. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes that. There has never been a better explanation that is so simple to see and understand, than the three principles of Mind, Thought and Consciousness. If only the shooter had known, this horrific outcome could have been avoided.

If the adults who knew Adam had listened to what he was really saying, they would have recognized the signs, and not have passed off his statements as “prepubescent ideas.” Talk about “blowing things up,” does not come from a high state of mind. It would have been so simple to spot if the adults had been taught to listen to the person speaking, and for the feeling beyond their words, and not just their own ideas and assumptions.

We enjoy the benefits of living in a free-will society, and of course we should, but no one learns the responsibility that goes along with the gift of freedom. We live in a culture filled with anger, hatred and violence but we don’t have to accept it as fact or as anything we want to spend our precious time on. Yet how many really know they have this choice? How many know that we can choose to feel bad and keep our minds going in the most unpleasant direction, or we can switch gears and turn in the other direction? We’re blessed with flexible minds. How many know that?

To think that this mass murder of children, at the beginning of their lives, could have been avoided, had they known how the three principles work within everyone. It’s so simple and easy to share and show others. Maybe now people will start paying attention to what comes first, what comes before the ability to have or use guns, before the creation of bullet-proof windows and the idea to hire security guards. It is the ability to create all of that, as well as symphonies, slaughters, and everything else under the sun. When will the world look in the direction toward which it all begins – the power to create within our own individual minds where we can pick and choose what creations which to pay attention.

Someday, another potentially disturbing event will be prevented because the potential perpetrator will have come to understand the relationship between his ability to think and his feelings and know not to take his negative thoughts and feelings seriously and thus, not to act on them. S/he’ll know to let it go or talk to someone about the horrible thoughts that s/he is having trouble letting go. The mother of a child who is suffering from his/her thinking would know how powerful thought is and would know that best way to protect her child is to do whatever it takes to monitor his/her thoughts and utilize whatever assistance she can obtain. She would know the danger in trying to handle it alone.

The best prevention is spreading the understanding that is available for everyone, about how their own thinking creates their life experiences, in every moment.

This is an excellent blog from my friend and colleague, Jack Pransky, Ph.D. on the School Shooting:

http://healthrealize.com/one-more-tragedy-of-the-newtown-tragedy/

Please RSVP – if you would like to be part of a support group to talk about how this has affected you. I’m offering this opportunity at no cost because I know it can be very helpful to talk it out and to foster each other’s mental health and resilience.

Bill Canfield Photo

What exactly does it mean to escape reality? I’ve heard those words bandied about with some frequency. People go to movies, shop, drink, and get high to “escape reality.”

No one who uses a fix to escape can possibly know that the reality they so desperately seek to avoid was self-created. We create our own reality in every moment throughout our lives, whether we’re aware of it or not. If we can think, then we’re creating a reality within our own minds. There is not one reality; there are as many personal realities as there are people on the planet.

Even when we’re looking out at a landscape, one could argue—-well that’s not in my mind, that’s out there; everyone can see it. Yes, it may be out there but if two people were standing on either side of you they would each see something different, or differently. One might not even notice the scene because s/he was so absorbed in some other thought.

One crisp fall day, I remember commenting to someone about the beauty of multi-colored foliage. Her response was, “Oh I hate fall, it reminds me of death, all these leaves will soon die.” Now that’s two very different realities, side by side, taking in the same scene, “out there.”

Whatever we notice “out there” will always be imbued with our thoughts about it. What we see can appear as though we’re wearing rose-colored glasses, or gray tinted ones. What most people do not know is that the mind will clear, whether the thoughts are rosy or gray, and things will look different again, and again. We never know how things will look in the next moment.

A shift in our thinking is natural. We call them moods. High quality thoughts put you in a high quality mood. Low quality thoughts put you in a low mood. It’s really that simple. I’m not suggesting that you conjure up some positive thoughts – consciousness does not bring forced thoughts to life the way it brings our “out of the blue” thoughts to life.

Armed with the knowledge that thought and consciousness bring us a particular state of mind, our ignorance is removed. Armed with this knowledge we can navigate our lives with more grace and ease. We may still be bumped around a bit, but we won’t get smashed as we would if life came hurling at us.

Imagine being in the middle of a mental storm, simultaneously knowing that it’s a temporary condition and that we can simply observe it without acting on it. Somehow, these emotional storms pass a lot more quickly when we recognize them for what they are; momentary personal takes on reality. None of us has the absolute truth about any view of reality.

A friend of mine experienced excruciating pain a few weeks ago during an attack of a virus. He thought he had food poisoning. Later, after the pain had subsided, he admitted that if there had been a window up high, he might have jumped out of it to avoid that horrific pain. A few days later he wondered how many people had actually gone ahead and taken their lives during moments of physical or emotional pain, whereas if they had just waited it out, they would have felt better and been grateful not to have taken the contemplated leap.

What a difference a thought can make.

People who have gained a deep enough understanding (it only takes exploring the many ways available now) have seen how to access beautiful feelings beneath their thinking. This is available to everyone. It requires letting our negative thoughts pass through, unattended. That’s the best way to escape “reality.” It’s natural and totally harmless. Then nice feelings rise to the surface; where people are at their best. Higher-level characteristics automatically spring forth. People then find they are more creative, more patient, more compassionate, and more generous, not because they decided to be but because these are the characteristics fostered in pleasant states of mind. It’s a natural outcome. No technique, practice, or drive is required.

Think of this as a public service announcement and spread it to others. It’s knowledge we can all stand to know. For those who would like more information regarding the workings of thought and consciousness, click here. 

If you enjoyed this article, please click the Facebook ”Like” button..

11/15/2011

Jyll Kashmann Photo

What if I happen to fall out of love after marrying, will it be possible to fall back in love? This is a common question I get from couples who see me for premarital counseling. They’ve heard numerous tales of woe from friends and family. The old adage… “until death do us part,” has lost it’s glory, if not it’s meaning.

Couples fear the feeling of inevitable pain and suffering if they get too close to one another and something goes awry. No one wants a broken heart.

My answer is always the same – or at least some rendition of same: Yes, you will most likely fall out of love at some point, and back in love and out and back in again, perhaps several times. Why is that? Because love is mood related, and anyone who thinks thoughts, will experience moods. Bad moods are the result of low quality thoughts and high moods are the result of high quality thoughts. Get it? Moods and thoughts are thoroughly connected.

Falling in and out of love is an illusion created by the way in which we use Mind, Thought and Consciousness. These Three Principles are at work within each of us 24/7. They are working behind the scenes. Think of the process as being much like that of a theatrical production, in which there are those who are not seen, but they are crucial to producing the scenes of the play.

Thoughts deliver up our reality in every moment we are alive. We think whatever we think and consciousness brings our thoughts to life, though we may not even know what we’re thinking. Who stops to think about this? Not many; we just go about our business and experience it. It’s like what happens when we are immersed in a movie on the big screen just as if we are in it, “live~~in living color”. Then we remember, oh; this is just a movie.

The same is true in relationships. We can feel very close to a partner but will never actually be inside the others thought process. So, no matter how close, no one ever truly has the exact same thought experience. We each still have our own separate realities. In fact, even within our own heads, our reality shifts and transforms with each new thought. It may happen faster than our awareness of it.

What does this have to do with falling in and out of love? Everything; because our experience of love also comes from thought and consciousness, making loving as well as hateful thoughts appear to be 100 percent real. One day your partner may appear to be a monster because he forgot to take out the garbage after you reminded him three times. You might think that he forgot on purpose just to make you mad. When people are stressed, tired, bothered, feeling pressured, or on deadline at the office, emotional function may be temporarily impaired. This is a fact that affects every human being.

Given this explanation, does the idea of falling out of love still seem so frightening? Hopefully not.

In summary, here’s what I know from my understanding of how Mind, Thought and Consciousness creates experience: You will probably feel like you’ve fallen out of love at some point. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship. Because love is thought/mood related… You always have the potential to fall back in love. You don’t have to take anything you think too seriously. You have free will to choose the thoughts you want to entertain further. Thoughts come and go on their own.

When the heart is open and personal thinking does not take precedence, wonderful and unexpected things tend to happen. Judgements and expectations are not truth, they are thoughts. In other words, people fall in love when they’re not looking! It sneaks up and seems to come from out of the blue, but now we know; it comes (like any nice feeling) when we’ve gotten out of our own way!

I’d love to hear from you about what you think about the process of falling in and out of love and what you’d like to learn more about.