Coaching For Couples
Do you want to know what causes people to split up
It may not be what you think.
The 3 things that cause breakups are…
1) Misunderstandings
2) Communicating from a low mood
3) Believing that what they THINK is a FACT.
This may sound strange at first but allow me to explain.
Having worked in the field of couples therapy since 1985, I’m still amazed at the same patterns I see over and over again, especially since they are so easily avoided once people realize what they’re doing to hurt themselves, their relationship, and other people.
And it’s done innocently because they didn’t understand a few simple facts about human nature.
It’s painful to disagree, argue, and feel misunderstood, and unloved by your partner. Some people even develop physical symptoms from consistent emotional stress.
It may come as a surprise to you that couples often argue over different opinions. Yet, in the right frame of mind, differing opinions are interesting, and you don’t have to agree - listening is the key.
They argue over thinking the other has betrayed them by expressing a different point of view; as though they want to hurt them on purpose.
Why, you might ask?
It’s because people believe what they think, no matter how misguided they may be. The 3 Principles of Mind, Thought and Consciousness explain this phenomenon perfectly. We are each designed to experience reality according to what we’ve been conditioned to think (our unique perspective) which is brought to life by Consiousness (awareness). Everyone experiences what they think in every moment of life. You could say that we live in an “inside-out world” Everyone experiences life from within their own consciousness. It’s something you have to recognize in your own life, to know what I mean, it’s not something I can tell you - it’s something you’ll have an insight (seeing the truth of how we work, inside yourself) as we work together. The things you think in a low mood, triggered by a moment of insecurity, ego, or self-righteousness (I guarantee that everyone reading this, who can be honest with themselves, will relate) can harm your relationship when people don’t know how to use their feelings rather than their thoughts to guide them. Feelings give us valuable information, they let us know when we’re paying attention to wisdom rather than ego.
I’ll bet that you can relate to this too:
Have you had the experience of someone trying to talk you out of your thoughts or feelings?
I hear it often in my work with couples; “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
Most people realize that people are not responsible for how they feel but you can see deeper than that - we feel our state of mind; where we’re at in the moment; our level of consciousness.
However, telling yourself or someone else to think differently is not at all helpful. In fact, it’s harmful because it minimizes what the person is going through in that particular moment. A person in emotional pain just needs “a good listening to”
When people listen deeply to you, without judgment, criticizm, or expectation, it feels like validation, as though the listener gets you. I don’t mean this to sound like a technique because it’s much more than that – it’s based on understanding how the mind works in both the worst and the best situations, it works the same way.
We feel what we think from within our mind, as an individual, even though it appears to be the result of the words or actions of our partner. Actually; it’s the other way around, it’s what we think of their words or actions. We can only be bothered by something that is on our mind.
When people understand how it works (it’s like having an owner’s manual for humans)
Once you understand how the human system works, it’s easy to see a clear path back to a healthy state of mind where understanding, peace, and love always exist, (blue means not sure to add or not) but for the unhealthy thinking we can slip into when we’re tired, hungry, aggravated, feeling overwhelmed, it’s easy to blame others for our bad feelings when we haven’t experienced the connection between our thoughts and feelings. Our (everyone’s) operating system is perfectly designed to be resilient when we see how we innocently get in our own way.
I love helping couples learn about their operating system and how to listen to one another beyond their personal misguided beliefs, ideas, and conditioned responses. If you’d like to learn more, you can contact me through (link to contact page) where you can leave me a message about what troubles you??) I have some nice images of couples listening to one another maybe replace the angry one below with one of those?
“I am extremely grateful to you for the insights I have gained. The idea of stepping back from ego and focusing, instead, on the sacredness of our relationship feels natural to me, almost intuitive. It resonates with the deepest part of me in a way I cannot quantify. Much like dominoes, I sense this new regard for our relationship will inspire me to move outside of ego so I can deep listen, with curiosity and acceptance rather than agenda and bias, and this deep listening will allow me to rediscover Mike, myself, and the gift that is our relationship. I cannot fully express my gratitude for your part in this process.”
Are you curious as to why some relationships work and others don’t?
(not sure I need all this that follows? Maybe write a blog about it instead?)
As a therapist, sitting opposite hundreds of couples over the past 30+ years, my vantage point has enabled me to realize a simple fact. The relationships that work are those where each individual has the partner’s best interest at heart. In the relationships that don’t work, individuals only have their own best interest at heart, not concerned about stepping over their partner to get what they want. Yet, what everyone wants is a loving, caring, harmonious relationship, when people think it has to come from their partner giving them what they think will create those beautiful feelings in themselves they are going about it backwards. When you turn off your partner, you’re essentially turning away your best friend in the world so it’s actually self-destructive.
Another minefield is when you expect a particular behavior or outcome; you’ll inevitably be disappointed because everyone thinks differently. When you don’t expect anything in particular, and you are open to enjoy whatever you get, your experience becomes completely different. People seem to fall into two categories: they are full of judgments or they are nonjudgmental and benign. When you see the value of non-judgment and how much good it can bring your way, it is much easier to avoid judgmental thoughts. This is the natural outcome from understanding the nature of thought.
Many people accept a certain level of mental and emotional distress in their relationships. People think fighting is natural and some even think it is healthy. This is misguided. We now understand how the mind works to bring us a particular perspective on our experiences in life. These discoveries have paved the way to understand how to bring out the best in ourselves and our partners. Within a short period of time you will find yourselves more able to access and sustain your innate health and wisdom.
“Let your negative thoughts go. They are nothing more than passing thoughts. You are then on your way to finding the peace of mind you seek.”
- Sydney Banks
I assist couples in developing more harmonious, productive relationships, regardless of what stage of a relationship you are in.
Counseling (Guidance and Coaching instead of Counseling?) can prevent future problems. Counseling in the early stages, can set the tone right from the beginning, creating a shared vision for a high-level relationship; one that is capable of withstanding the test of time.
Email me at lori@3principlestherapy.com to schedule your first session, and I will get back to you within 48 hours to set up a time. (Let’s talk about if I want them to schedule in my Calendly open spots linked in the button below - I suppose I can send them my info page at that point. - it has a link to the Secret of Love book which i could put here instead?