The Unexpected Freedom of Separate Realities in Relationships
Photo by Everton Vila in Unsplash
I recently stumbled upon a fascinating online discussion that perfectly captured the complexities of attraction and relationships. A married couple shared that they had a little “game” of pointing out attractive people of both sexes to each other. The responses were a mixed bag, ranging from “That’s cute!” to “That’s really awful! How could they do that to each other?”
This illustrates a fundamental truth: We all experience attraction, and relationships, from our own unique perspectives.
The Spectrum of Attraction
The comments highlighted the wide spectrum of how people view attraction. Some worried about measuring up to their partner’s “ideal,” while others saw beauty as something to be appreciated, even celebrated. One commenter beautifully likened admiring a human form to appreciating art in a museum, seeing it all as “God’s work.”
As a relationship coach, I’m often struck by the disparity in how couples perceive the same situation. For instance, a woman might feel demoralized by postpartum body changes, while her husband genuinely feels there is more of her to love. These differing perspectives highlight how our individual “realities” can drastically shape our experiences.
When people really grasp the inside-out nature of life, by noticing their own felt experiences coming from their thinking in the moment, they understand that their partners aren’t just trying to be kind; they really do see them that way. This understanding profoundly impacts all our relationships; transforming them — fostering greater trust and connection.
The Trap of Separate Realities
We all live in our own separate realities, shaped throughout our lives by the stories we’ve heard, and the stories we tell ourselves; all personally distorted views we’ve adopted without question. These separate realities can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a sense of disconnection in our relationships. We create expectations, comparisons, and judgments, often leading to feelings of inadequacy.
The Vulnerability of True Connection
But what if we could have such deep confidence in our love that we could share anything openly and honestly? I believe vulnerability is incredibly sexy. It’s about sharing our humanity, and in a soul-to-soul connection, we can appreciate and accept each other’s humanity in profound ways.
Like art, we are drawn to different physical forms. There is no right or wrong, but the physical does play a role for us. We all have our preferences.
Instead of judging these differences, what if we explored them with curiosity? What if we tried to understand why someone loves a particular shade of periwinkle more than any other color in the universe?
Unconditional Love: A Glimpse of Freedom
I’ve often been moved by couples who, by conventional standards, seem “mismatched” — like the tall woman and the shorter man I observed at a symphony intermission. The way they looked at each other, the love in their eyes, transcended any societal expectations about how things “should” be.
Isn’t that the kind of love we all yearn for? Unconditional acceptance, where there’s nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of?
The Culprit: Our Own Thinking
Yet, as humans, we have this incredible ability to think, and we often misuse it. We create expectations, competition, shame, and guilt. Thanks to consciousness, these thoughts can feel like our absolute reality, creating distance between us and those we love. We then blame external factors, failing to see that the real culprit is our own thinking!
But why does it work this way?
Underneath it all, every human being is operating through three powerful forces — whether we realize it or not:
Mind is the deeper intelligence behind life, the source of insight, healing, and renewal.
Consciousness is what allows us to be aware, to feel and experience whatever is flowing through us.
Thought is the creative power that shapes our personal reality in each moment.
Together, these explain why life feels so real, so personal — and why our experience can shift in an instant, even when the world outside hasn’t changed at all.
The Three Principles: A Path to Understanding
The good news is that there’s a deeper understanding of how this works. Back in 1973, a man named Sydney Banks had an enlightenment experience and uncovered what he called the Three Principles: Universal Mind, Universal Consciousness, and Universal Thought.
These Principles explain how we take neutral, formless energy and create our individual experience of reality, moment to moment, from birth to death. This understanding has profoundly impacted my own life and relationships and the lives of countless others.
My Journey to Deeper Love
With one marriage that lasted only seven years, a few short-term relationships, and many years of single life, it would be easy to doubt myself; my capacity to love and be loved. Yet, I honestly know that I have the capacity to love deeply, without expectation. This understanding, inspired by Sydney Banks’s work, has shown me that.
The capacity for love often comes to mind unexpectedly. I get jolts of it when I see dogs prancing in my local park, babies faces at the supermarket, and conversations where the feeling of empathy is sparked. When that happens, out of the blue, it feels like an amazing gift, a sweet surrender that arises from a deeper source.
The Gift of Feeling
We are all born with the gifts of Mind, Consciousness, and Thought. What if we could appreciate those beautiful feelings, those moments of connection, without needing them to be a constant reality? What if we could appreciate the feeling of possibility without attachment to a particular outcome?
I’ve come to see that those deep, beautiful feelings, whether we’re single or coupled, are a gift. And they never come from another person.
Doesn’t that free us from the burden of expecting others to make us feel good?
If you liked this Blog post, check out my online course for single people: Finding Deep Connection
